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I was at a friend's birthday party at a bar when I saw my future boyfriend Brian from across the room, talking to the birthday boy. Brian was the type of guy I spent most of high school and college and my entire adult life pining after and never getting: slim, with dark hair and glasses, his jeans torn in all the best places. He had a beautiful mouth that was excitedly saying things I couldn't hear, but was making everyone around him laugh. If I had still been at my heaviest weight, I never would have approached Brian. As a fat woman, I have been taught that there is an order of operations for love: First, you get thin; then, you can date who you want.
As a parent, we hope our children will make life choices that will give them the greatest chance of happiness. They're very caring in some ways, but lack where it matters most. I have this brain trapped after all these years. I hope I can forgive it someday, but even still my anger is red hot. I am trying to figure out how to go on in life and discover myself again.